What's in a Decision? (#1)

The last thing my ex-girlfriend said to me when we broke up was, "You need to find someone who can help you make decisions." Decisions have often been scary and stressful for me. I have a book called "Blink," which I will get around to reading soon - about the power of split-second decision-making and how we usually know all we need to know about a decision very quickly. My choir director says he knows whether someone will pass the audition before they even sing a note - because of how they carry themselves as they walk in. For me, decisions seem to be at the core of my life's difficulties. Why?

I talked to my ex-girlfriend about a month later, and she complained that I make even small decisions seem to carry so much weight. Why do I do this? There are many seemingly small decisions that are full of synchronicities and coincidences. I can relate to the movie "Run, Lola, Run," where a split second difference in Lola's position on the street makes a huge difference in the eventual lives of those she passes by.

I suppose the small choices in our lives resemble the "butterfly effect" of nonlinear dynamics (sometimes referred to as "chaos" theory, a misunderstood term for something that is fully deterministic, simple, understandable and analyzable). The butterfly effect means that a tiny change in some initial condition (such as the flap of a butterfly's wings) can trigger the difference between rain or shine a week or two later, or may even trigger a hurricane. Many people misunderstand the butterfly effect, thinking the tiny creature somehow creates the energy for the storm. The word "trigger" is helpful - the energy in the bullet does not come from the trigger, but rather from the combustion of the gunpowder.

Imagine a golf ball rolling along the knife edge of a ridge: it could roll down one side of the ridge or the other. A butterfly flaps its wings and creates a puff of air so gentle and delicate as to nudge the ball toward one side of the ridge. The energy for rolling the ball came from gravity - the ball's weight - but the influence came from the butterfly. Obviously the hurricane's energy comes from gigantic forces within earth's weather system, but some small influence can change the outcome of that energy in a big way.

Our whole lives are like the golf ball rolling along the ridge. We are always at major turning points. No decision is insignificant.

One day many years ago as I was walking, a hunch told me to walk the "long way" around the block. It didn't make much sense to my mind, but I obeyed the hunch. As I walked the long way, I saw a friend of mine sitting on some steps looking downtrodden and dejected. He was in a huge emotional crisis, and I was able to sleep at his house that night, so he wasn't alone, and comfort him. Years later, he said that I saved his life that night, literally. Who knows what would have happened if I had ignored my hunch and walked the short way around the block.

Recently I decided to give up sweets for Lent. I'm not Catholic, and I don't attend church regularly, but I decided to try it as a personal exercise. Two days before Easter, I was invited to go out for ice cream with some friends. I declined, citing my commitment, and instead went with another friend to hear a band at a local pub. The music ended up being too loud for all of us, but I met a sweet young woman that I have gone out on a subsequent date with. It was actually difficult for me to turn down ice cream that night, but the choice ended up working out well.

I'm sure we all have stories like the two I just told (and I have many more). The decisions we make have huge unintended consequences, and some of them are far-reaching and positive. My fear is that if each small decision carries such weighty consequences, then the implications of bigger decisions are overwhelming. If I put such energy into a decision about where to go on a Friday night, because I may meet my future wife, then bigger decisions such as whether to take a new job or buy a home seem like crippling impossibilities.

I think I may see the way out of my dilemma. I am back to the golf ball rolling along the ridge. Every moment of our lives, every tiny decision we make, we are riding that knife edge of nonlinear dynamics, rain or shine, life or death. I could walk the "wrong way" around the block and be hit by a bus. As soon as I see the huge mystery of it, I know that I can't know enough about any decision, no matter how small. It is impossible for me to know what results a choice will bring. By trying to foresee everything, to control everything, I've been trying to play God. All I can do is laugh, let it go, and do what I feel good about in each moment. I let the mystery of life unfold in front of me.